淑婷❤

Saturday, 11 August 2018.

I looked at you, you glanced away. You were right there, but then, I couldn't move my lips, it was too hard to speak when my voice got caught in the silence you left between us. You chose to walk away, and I let you. For months I regretted my mistake, for months I wish you'd stayed, but then I realized I did nothing but care about you. I put our friendship before what I would call a relationship. I thought we were close because you thought the same, but of course you stayed that long for your own reasons. Even till this day, I'd do anything for you my friend, but you couldn't even take some time to come hang out on the last week I would be around, that was the one time I realized you never really truly saw me as a friend you couldn't lose. The "friend"that made a difference in your life. The "friend" that you missed. It was either something or it was nothing. Sometimes I do miss you, and the way we acted around each other, the way we spoke to each other, the way you cared, the way you had to make sure I reached home safely. The way you worried if I drank too much, the way you motivated me to pursue dance. Sometimes I do miss you and the way that you are. But suddenly, I just wasn't sure if it was you anymore.I used to think that every mistake was a learning experience, every phase in life was just a lesson, and every journey I took, the struggles I went through, I appreciated them for I thought it was what made me stronger. Usually, I wouldn't wish it hadn't happened, more so, I'm actually glad it did. But what I went through the past few months, I wish it was a phase I could just forget. A phase I wish I could erase, so that it never happened. It costed me two friends in the process, one whom I stopped trusting, and one whom I truly opened my heart out to. If I could do it again, I wouldn't. I would've walked away, saves time for the both of us. I still wish you the best.

22:03

Wednesday, 25 October 2017.

These past few months I've been so confused with what I truly wanted, and what I thought was right. I thought it was right to do what I did, not knowing who I might hurt, even if I knew I was hurting myself all along. I have never felt so broken. I have never felt so torn apart. I've never thought I hit rock bottom till I felt what I did, and the scary part was I never thought the day would get any better. It was dark. Real dark. And cold. For days. I had come to a point where I isolated myself just because it was easier. To shut people out for awhile. To ignore texts and messages, to stay home all week, to get up each morning and have to start the day all over again, except it didn't start off right. I should smile, make plans, go out, get some fresh air, listen to the breeze, smell the rain, and... feel. For a while I forgot what it felt like to feel something in my heart. People thought I was a cold and dark person inside, but only then did I truly feel dead. People started realising the change in me, people started noticing the sudden disappearance, and I started to open my eyes to people who truly cared about me. People who asked if I was alright. People who bothered to ask how my day was. People who cared about my well-being. People who made cookies, bought my favourite matcha, bought ice cream for me. I discovered that I could only find solace from the one who broke me. I then started to realise how I never really looked for anyone when I was hurting. How I usually kept to myself when my heart was tightening within me. But these past few months I started opening up more, only to find out people cared the way I did. And because of this I started to appreciate the little things more than I would've. I started to cherish the ones around me. I started to wake up in the morning and smile at how beautiful the day could be if I chose to be happy, instead of dwell. I care too goddamn much, that I'm tired. I really appreciate my friends and family. ♥

01:58